Friday, October 31, 2008

Where can I find a swingset around here?

Jealousy would be far less torturous if we understood that love is a passion entirely unrelated to our merits.
~Paul Eldridge

Jealousy, that dragon which slays love under the pretense of keeping it alive.
~Havelock Ellis

I guess you could say that I am struggling with jealousy. Not in my relationship with Marc, but with friends. I have always had a strong desire to be a good friend - a friend others can count on and turn to - but, my desire to be a good friend is often perverted by a need for approval, to know that what I am doing is "working."

It seems I have fallen into this trap as of late.

While Marc and I are blessed with many friends, we do not truly have "best" friends here in Waco. We have great friends, friends with whom we can share our hopes and fears, but we haven't yet found friends who know us deep to our souls.

We do have friends like that, they just aren't here in Texas.

And that leads me to the problem with jealousy.

It is hard to feel like a good friend when you are miles away. And it is easy to be threatened that others will take your place. Will my friends still think of me as a "soul friend" even though I am not physically able to be present with them? Will they still want to share their excitements and fears?

While I think that most people can understand these fears, and even share them, it doesn't make them healthy or good.

I do not possess my friends. (although I confess that sometimes I wish I did!) And I cannot control their associations - I can't even really control if they want to keep being my friend.

All this is to say that I am working through some emotions right now. I am trying to remember that (like the Eldridge quote says), love is unrelated to my "merits." And I know that I cannot possess my friends - they are not mine to hold - but I am still tempted to try.

I wish I could clear my mental slate of all of my past "friendship baggage" and start over with the gentle trusting friendship of a child. As a child you would simply ask someone to be your friend, hear their excited response and run hand in hand to the swingset. I want to get back to that swingset.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Oh, my friend, I have been where you are. All I can say is enjoy the people God brings into your life and give of yourself freely. You just never know who needs you for a "soul friend". Ultimately you will find that Jesus and Marc are the two who will be there through it all.
Love you,
Aunt Barb

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