Monday, February 2, 2009

Selfish Sally

I just came to a pretty startling revelation. I am a really selfish person. I am self-obsessed. And beyond being obsessed with myself I am further consumed with worrying about my future. I know that I am called to peacefulness, but quite frankly, I am horrible at it!

I waste perfectly good days worrying about what may never (probably will never) happen. Just to humble myself and let you in on my most recent obsession, I am worried that a recent episode of feeling “overheated” may have been a heart attack in disguise. Why do I worry about these things? I know that some heart attacks can be mild, but really, is it not much more likely that my feelings of nausea, a racing heart, and being weak, overheated and clammy were related to the fact that I just worked out an then got in a steamy hot-tub?

If anyone else told me they felt that way I wouldn't worry about it for a second, but since it is me, I am obsessed. That is why I say that I am pretty selfish. I sit here and analyze everything about my body trying desperately to look for clues for any potential problems. I have an unnatural fear that something bad will happen to me, and if I just pay enough attention, I can prevent that horrible thing. In other words, I have a complete inability to trust in my Creator that He is in control and loves me.

One of my spiritual mentors said that I need to learn to “stand on my rug of peace” and not let Satan try to talk me off of it. Easier said than done. Especially lately. I don’t know why this season of my life is coming with so much anxiety, but I am trying to believe that God is working in it and through it for my good—and not as a preparation for the horrible thing that is about to happen as the Liar would have me believe.

In the meantime, I am really going to try to focus on others again. It seems that when I really focus on others I am much less prone to obsession. Any suggestions, friends? I feel like I have tried it all (surrendering-wise), but I would love to hear from you if you have struggled with peace about your future and physical well-being.


Anonymous said...

Dear Carrie,
You just said farewell last month to a beloved grandmother and a dear family friend. I don't think it's totally surprising to be distracted with thoughts of your own mortality. I've been there. Let me suggest you be totally honest with God and give Him time to work. Not a one of us knows what tomorrow will bring so we make the most of each day. Love the people God brings into your life daily, appreciate the little things daily, and take all your thoughts "captive to Christ" ( II Corinthians 10:5)daily.
Aunt Barb

Sarah said...

yoga, prayer, bible study on Thursdays, yoga, LOTS of water, even more sleep, yoga, laughing at least 12 times a day, remind yourself to smile (I know I have to sometimes), oh and did I mention YOGA?!!!! Those are some of the best ways I've found peace!

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