Selfish Sally

I just came to a pretty startling revelation. I am a really selfish person. I am self-obsessed. And beyond being obsessed with myself I am further consumed with worrying about my future. I know that I am called to peacefulness, but quite frankly, I am horrible at it!

I waste perfectly good days worrying about what may never (probably will never) happen. Just to humble myself and let you in on my most recent obsession, I am worried that a recent episode of feeling “overheated” may have been a heart attack in disguise. Why do I worry about these things? I know that some heart attacks can be mild, but really, is it not much more likely that my feelings of nausea, a racing heart, and being weak, overheated and clammy were related to the fact that I just worked out an then got in a steamy hot-tub?

If anyone else told me they felt that way I wouldn't worry about it for a second, but since it is me, I am obsessed. That is why I say that I am pretty selfish. I sit here and analyze everything about my body trying desperately to look for clues for any potential problems. I have an unnatural fear that something bad will happen to me, and if I just pay enough attention, I can prevent that horrible thing. In other words, I have a complete inability to trust in my Creator that He is in control and loves me.

One of my spiritual mentors said that I need to learn to “stand on my rug of peace” and not let Satan try to talk me off of it. Easier said than done. Especially lately. I don’t know why this season of my life is coming with so much anxiety, but I am trying to believe that God is working in it and through it for my good—and not as a preparation for the horrible thing that is about to happen as the Liar would have me believe.

In the meantime, I am really going to try to focus on others again. It seems that when I really focus on others I am much less prone to obsession. Any suggestions, friends? I feel like I have tried it all (surrendering-wise), but I would love to hear from you if you have struggled with peace about your future and physical well-being.